The Ground Really Hurts


Confirmed: The Ground Is Still Very Hard

WASHINGTON— Citing its innate hardness and increased likelihood of causing pain, the Department of Health and Human Services published a report Tuesday revealing that the ground remains the least desirable surface for breaking a fall. “Our research determined that whether an individual stumbles while walking or plummets from a great height, the firmness of the ground and its inability to absorb impacts places it at the very bottom of the list of favored surfaces on which to land,” said the report’s lead author, Miles Potter, who confirmed that numerous other surfaces, such as water, mattresses, and fabric awnings, were found to be preferable to the ground for their ability to soften a landing and minimize bruises, lacerations, and broken bones. “The solid, unyielding nature of the ground leads us to recommend that anyone currently plunging downward in an out-of-control fashion instead choose an open dumpster full of garbage bags, a haystack, or even other people to cushion their fall.” The report also stated that anyone who must come into forcible contact with the ground should opt for soil over harder options like concrete and rock.

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